My 3 Most Destructive Habits

1. Putting the needs of my loved ones before myself.
This is absolutely the worst habit I have, and one I need to really start pushing to change. While my partners may consciously agree with this one, I think when radical changes start happening with me there will definitely be pullback, possibly even temper tantrums. Admittedly I may be projecting and expecting them to behave as my mother and sister did every time I made any move forward in life. Especially since I am living in a place I don’t want to live, in a situation I absolutely didn’t want ever, in an apartment that just skates along the minimum standards I had set for a place to live that doesn’t even have a/c – something someone with allergies as severe as mine should have if at all possible. None of this would be happening if I weren’t expected to be the one to make sacrifices. Now I’m pushing for a move to San Jose, which realistically isn’t ideal with my allergy treatments. If there’s heel digging after my treatments are finally finally finished I’m just going to move on my own. I’ve had enough of this being the only one to sacrifice bullshit. I already made that mistake in my first marriage. As it is, I may be gaining weight because of proximity to estrogen shots, so one more way I’m being dragged down without my consent.

I can’t even get my primary partner to clear out the sink in the morning anymore, let alone think ahead to how her actions might affect the person she lives with. It’s nothing new but it’s profoundly irritating lately.

2. TV/Internet
These are my drugs, but at least the Internet is also necessary to my livelihood. They give me a sense of comfort – but that comfort also leads to me not writing, not socializing, making an effort.

And yet conversely

3. Trying to fix everything/overextending myself
I try way too hard to make everything good around me. I know consciously that I should focus on the things that benefit myself, but I still have this childish need to see the people around me happy, naively believing it will fix things for myself. On that I can take a first step: my partner has a date tonight. I have left a mess.

…I am not going to clean up the mess. Part of this is revenge, of course, – there’s no almond milk left for my cereal, I’ve gained another pound and I am PISSED OFF about it, and the one thing I asked her to start doing to make my morning life a little easier she did for a week and then just stopped doing in favor of spending all her time with her second-adolescence social life and putting on makeup. She’s happy, and it’s still at my expense.

So she can deal with cleaning up the goddamn apartment for her date. I have a volunteer gig an a workshop tonight – one where I will be attending feeling less than fully self-confident, thanks to the crap that’s been piled on me by my situation.

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