Week 2: Check In

Let me be clear: I am not pushing myself to finish each chapter in a week. I take a week of the Artist’s Way as more of a fortnight. It’s a “get there when I get there” type of situation. To some degree I intent to teach it that way, too.

1. Morning pages: 6/7 – got sidetracked with trying to keep up with health issues. The main challenge is that I am SO not a morning person. I’m hitting on some big issues right now, the type that I probably should take to my therapist, although one definitely isn’t preventable. First, I struggle with feeling wanted/welcome. This is the core of my usually well masked social anxiety. I am not sure I am welcomed or wanted by the people around me – so I manage by forming my own groups, looking for people who also struggle to have friends, etc. although there are exceptions to this in recent years. Half of my leadership stuff is because I am simply afraid to join in with another group for fear I won’t be wanted, not really, or for fear that they will want to control pieces of my life that are mine, like my writing career. (That last one has actually happened more than once in the past, giving it an air of legitimate fear.) My second issue, more disturbing and much more difficult to pin down to resolve, is that in my adult life, every single boyfriend I have had since I was 18 has had some sort of sexual dysfunction – I am counting raging misogyny as sexual dysfunction, since it usually guarantees a lousy bed partner. This is a pattern I’d like to break, especially since recent events in my life have informed me I am not done with the whole finding-new-partners-for-sex part of my life, whether I like it or not. There is something I am attracted to that is fundamentally broken, so I need to figure out what that is – or maybe I just need to do a whole bunch of jinx-clearing magic. Often the magic itself leads to the realization of the problem anyway, so it’s worth pursuing.

2. I did do my artist’s date last week – I went to the Japantown Mall on Friday, and got lost back on the west side. I think I need to wander around Japantown a little more in general. I left visually overwhelmed, and with a new purse along with a penguin pendant for my wife. I’d go there for the giant Daiso and Ichiban-Ya anyway – decent beauty products, cheap. But if I ever need to go shopping for gifts, it’s a new favorite go-to even though it doesn’t charm me the way ethnic groceries do.

3. My biggest issues right now are time management/transit, followed closely by the internal psychological things going on. Fortunately I have a good therapist who can help me with a lot of issues – but I also need to work on getting some balance in my local life. I’m aware of withdrawn from my Minnesota friends, especially. I also realize I have some hard things to say about my current situation as the somewhat unwilling wife of a trans partner. There are one or two local people that I can connect with and speak to easily, but often the liberal politics are a block to actual connection rather than a connector like they are in Minnesota. So I have more interaction with bed buddies than I do with sane, normal, social interaction. Admittedly the kink scene is soooo much saner than the vanilla scene, but it’s still stressful, especially with few firmly platonic friends to talk about it with.