Shadow Makers…the things and people that cause you to fear creating.
Rejection often triggers my shadow maker…nothing like a rejection slip to dive me down that I must climb for ages to be at a point where I am OK making submissions again. Persistent missed-the-point criticism also does it. This is different from when I don’t make myself clear – when I write something that other readers get immediately but that sails over the head of an editor, etc. that’s when I have problems.
As to who installed the Shadow Maker…my sister. She would practically grab creative works of mine out of my hands and then say something cutting; it was her entire purpose for grabbing it. She was nasty with poetry, dance (you call that dancing?) and with my desire to understand the way people socialized so I could have a chance at being liked outside the home since no one inside my home liked me at all. As an adult, I am finding my way back to poetry and enjoying it again, I am a wonderful dancer, the kind people stop to watch at clubs and when it comes to likability…well, everybody’s damaged these days so it’s really about knowing who to pick.
I realize now that somewhere for her was a bigger nastier Shadow Maker that left her afraid to submit anything original ever; when asked about why she didn’t send her work out into the world or even do the writing that gave her pleasure it was always one excuse after another. Maybe it was my mother that set her creativity button to off. Seems likely.
If anyone in my life right now thinks I’m too big for my britches, they are keeping snide comments about my weight to themselves. Seriously, it’s hard to say. I am not pretending to be modest about anything anymore…somehow that has made me more relatable to most of my friends. There’s one friend who I just plain love and she loves me who is at times visibly uncomfortable with what I can accomplish. I don’t think it’s jealousy – more of a fear of loss. But I don’t know. I can see she would rather not talk about it.
When my Shadow Maker is activated… I go fetal and then I go fanfic.
Ruth, Dawn, Jaime , Tonya, Mike, Carstens (though I don’t know her as well) all help me to set my Shadowmaker higher. Although sometimes their faith in me makes me feel fraudulent -and then I overdo the striving.