For this time period, I am working through Julia Cameron and Mark Bryan’s book Money Drunk, Money Sober before I work through the Prosperous Heart. The following blog entries are in response to prompts and experiences from the book. I see this as an extension of my Artist’s Way work. Some of my entries are jarring and highly personal – any program of sobriety and self-improvement demands admitting dysfunction both personally and in family, and it also calls to admit some painful truths. While not everything I work on appears here, a number of realities do. I have a genuine body of work thanks to my work on the Artist’s Way program, and I can’t ignore the changes the continual commitment has brought about. Because of that, I also can’t ignore what going further into the harder aspects of the program – like facing money issues – has the potential to improve.
The next question I am told to ask myself is: do I have a pattern of self-sabotage?
My deep, instinctive answer is yes – but my off-the-top of the head answer is no. I blog daily to watch myself for patterns, and I am working hard to break the patterns that have damaged me. One was the old debt cycle. The other is possibly a refusal to ask for help when I need it, yet giving help all the time. But I don’t knowingly do things for myself that are bad – it’s not a “I know this will hurt my liver, I’m gonna drink anyway!” I also don’t delude myself that my behaviors are “just once.” I’ve done a lot of reading on creativity and neurology, and any action I take on a given day has a high probability of being repeated. Anyone has that, which is why STOPPING a behavior doesn’t work nearly as well as SUBSTITUTING one. It’s sort of like the law of exchange in the Underworld that seems to cross every myth system.
I can’t pick any destructive behaviors off the top of my head, but I know that I have them. The not following up is one. The instinct to pull out when something turns out to be more challenging than expected, but that happens less all the time. Probably the whole Type A “I’ll do it myself,” thing doesn’t help much.