This is part of my work in the Julia Cameron Artist’s Way series. The work this time is from the book the Sound of Paper. The responses are self-examinations and assessments based on work through a daily series of exercises. While I do keep some material offline as it can be very personal and jarring, I often opt to be fairly open about my experiences, both positive and negative.
You’ve spent a lot of years being hard-sold on the flat-out lie that specific people in your life have wisdom, know what’s best for you, want what’s best for you… respect that your life is yours, and that you were not put on this earth for their benefit. One of the reasons you’re still so mad right now is because you’re coming to terms with what a massive lie all of that is. Don’t let the anger distract you from one great shining truth: you were surrounded by loved ones that betrayed the trust G.O.D granted them and tried to torpedo you for your their own selfish gain, and you won anyway.
You’re a one woman nation of Israel, you are. It’s going to stand you in good stead for the rest of your life – and trust me, that life will be a long one. Keep working on your internal unhappiness and shit now, because if you’re going to live a long life, it should be one you enjoy living.
Right now you’re thinking a lot about infrastructure. Hold off on that. Why? Because your life is your first pillar, and you’re not building yet. Let those ideas about fixing the Pagan community wait. The community isn’t ready to hear them – they still need another cycle of doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. It needs to hit them on the chin one more time, and you do NOT need to be involved with that. You just keep doing what you’re doing, and building from something that’s already fresh. Keep working on Someone Else’s Idea as your Pagan community service. You don’t realize how radical you are, yet – and the Pagan world is not ready to process what you’ve got to offer. Just think back: even those that have considered your ideas have almost immediately tried to co-opt you back into their projects and their own benefits. Concepts like sustainability, long-term planning, and foundational giving are still too terrifying and organized. Let them hit survival mode, first – then they’ll be ready to rethink and really listen. On that one, you’ve got a good twenty years, hon.
Write your books now. You’ve got several. Finish that play. Fish out that screenplay – so what if you get rejected? You DID something with it. You’ll have seeded somebody’s mind with it. Maybe you wrote a classic, maybe you wrote a bomb. No one cares. Just be you, and keep creating. This passage of your life is about the writing. Perfumery was never meant to be your career. Enjoy it as a hobby – you’ll always want a few herbs around – but that’s never who you were meant to be. And nevermind the people that tried to tell you not to write. It’s not your job to make them realize they’re idiots, and there is no question at all that yes, you are meant to write, you are meant to write about Wicca, and you have plenty to say without giving away anyone’s so-called secrets. You were absolutely write about the absurd descent into paranoia, and their manipulative and poor communication is not your fault – and that’s exactly why they worked so hard to invade your privacy and to convince you in fact all the problems WERE your fault. You were being bullied, and if you let them back in, you’d be bullied again. Don’t do it. Other things will find you. You’ve made your wishes known to the universe (that skull candle is brilliant, by the way.) The universe will take care of you.
Also, don’t worry about your student loans. It’s not what you think. It’s better.