Sense of Self-Protection: the Awful Truth

What habit do I have that gets in the way of my creativity?

Since my last walk through the artist’s way, I’ve altered a lot of my behavior slowly and gently. I still have the bad habits – they don’t just disappear in a poof of self-will – but they are still there. I think recently my deadliest habit was setting aside my creative personal work to assist others, usually as a response to an appeal for my magical skills. I enjoy spellcasting, but I was doing far too much of it for other people and it was cutting into the creative productions I was meant to bring forth for and from myself.

What do I think might be a problem?

Television was, but it’s become relegated and regulated. I think the problem that comes to mind the most right now is around scheduling and attention conflicts. I have too many projects, and I have a desire to get into the best physical condition possible. Too many things call for my attention and it’s getting hard on me. I’m not sure where or how to narrow my focus.

What do I plan to do about this habit or problem?

I’ve tried scheduling, and that just doesn’t work. I have variable health from day to day and I feel best when working from a heart-centered organic schedule. I think I may visit a tarot reader I liked a great deal, and sort out my options. I am also going to journal on each one of my major projects and see where my real feelings are.

What is my payoff in holding this block?

I feel legitimized. I’m just as busy and important as any other working person. If I can let go of the need to feel legitimate, I can find a more natural and authentic place to work from.

Which friends make you doubt yourself?

I’ve done a pretty good job of only keeping supportive people close; people that have projected negativity or ill-wished me even as a joke can’t even get a coffee date out of me now. While the intent of these people is not malicious, the results often are, and when it comes to creative production it’s the end result that counts the most. The “friends” mentioned in the first example, who were standing in my way the most by constantly bringing me their needs instead of looking to their own resources first, have exited my life in the nastiest and most hurtful way they could muster. Since most of it revolves around accusations of me being “crazy,” a common tool to devalue a target’s experience and perspective, I can only assume it was a reflexive response to my determined stay-sane behaviors. The breaking point came when I refused to indulge another person’s self-destructive negativity. If he’d wanted to do it on his own time, fine, but I was often forced to interact with him because like most viruses, negativity is eager to spread. In the time since he met me, I have produced a 220 page manuscript, working on one page a day and now going over the hard work of rewriting. He, on the other hand, has only finished minor projects and wallows in self pity. The physical products tell the real story, and the real story is that I’m the one on solid inner ground.

I’ve actually been given powerful reason to go over why I interacted with these people, and it was messy, a failed attempt to reconstruct some sort of positive family experience for myself. I can’t get that from my in-laws, and it just isn’t possible with my blood relatives. I consider the reframing of family within my marriage a repulsive proposition, one of those “conventional wisdom” approaches that illustrates how convention is anything but wise. A romantic/marriage partnership may be a traditional way to build a family but that’s just not what I want from it.  With some good fortune and a drop in my God jar, I might find a way to work it out for myself. It does leave me missing a sense of support, and when it comes to my writing projects, I often feel like I’m rocking unsteadily along on a very high balance beam.


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