Weekly Check in: Week 7, Sense of Strength

1. I did my morning pages 6 out of 7 days this week. I had a sick day on Tuesday and Wednesday. I’m used to morning pages, and I’m starting to wonder if I should write longer and dig deeper every day. I feel like I’m cycling on a lot of the same stuff. I recognize those cycles are necessary and I do eventually inch out of it – which leads me to some challenges on being gentle with myself.

2. I turned a routine visit to Office Max into an artist’s date. Normally with all my shopping I’m in-and-out; I do not consider shopping a social experience or a form of entertainment. I developed this attitude to protect myself after two years of isolation in Wisconsin led to shopping binge-behaviors elsewhere. Also, being a size 28, when a female friend asks me to go shopping with her it’s usually because she’s not much of a friend. Queen Bee shittery all over the place. This time I made an exception, because office supply stores are rife not just with pens and paper clips but with innovations. I found a few things I considered pretty cool.

3. I can’t think of any specific synchronicity, but I have had a series of increasingly vivid and strange dreams. Most of it involves family, houses, rearranging furnitures, floods, holding hands, social status and people I know that maybe could be closer to me but maybe don’t.

4. Struggles: I’m having a few. 1)I’m sick again, and had one of my horrifying can’t breathe/can’t swallow nights, this time with no dietary choices I could link to it. In fact, the only thing I did differently than usual the night before was go to a Hatha Yoga class. 2)I’m suffering a sense of boredom/feeling trapped yet again. 3)I’m also experiencing a shorter attention span than usual when I’m at the computer. I think I’m trying to avoid the divorce book. A friend told me it reads like I’ve written an academic paper rather than a help book; while he certainly thinks it’s a bad thing, in the Pagan market, people have created some serious Catch-22 expectations in both directions. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, but he’s right that I shouldn’t be cutting myself out of it like I have been. 4)I’ve been reading, and reading, and reading. I don’t know what that’s about, but I sense in myself that I’m clearing a path for something.

Also, one of my early magical grudges crossed my path/mind recently, and diagnostics suggest she laid down some trouble for me. I’ve come to accept that I don’t live in the fluffy-no-no universe of Wicca (this is one universe of multitudes within Wicca, it’s just arguably the loudest), and while I am Wiccan I am a priestess with a talent and calling for witchcraft. I’m a witch, so I get shit done. This scares people, because a woman who gets shit done scares the crap out of people, especially other women who have structured themselves in a power of powerlessness pyramid that I just won’t get under. The problem with the getting shit done, however, is that I haven’t been getting shit done for myself. In an effort to make my strength more palatable to those who fear and resent it, I’ve spent that energy serving others – something taught in Wicca without much analysis as to its shadow –  and the result is that I’m feared and resented more, and worse, the reward of my labors is disrespect. This may well be why the old ladies with the talent just lived off in a cottage by themselves. It’s hard to maintain friendships when your community fears you, and thus abuses you as a result of that fear because the idea of a person handling power herself is too frightening. The idea that power corrupts automatically is a myth perpetuated by those who have power and want to keep it. The corrupt may be attracted to power, but they’re not the only ones with the capacity to take it and use it effectively.