Week 5 Check-in

I realize that “week” is a loose term at this point, especially on a re-walk of the Artist’s Way. Still – I finished the chapter work, so on I go.

1. Morning pages – something akin to 7 out of 7. Thanks to some trust issues I only do them online when Mike and I are home at the same time right now. I’m going to take the risk of going back to the old-fashioned way and I hope that Mike opts for being the best man he can be rather than being the man that it is easiest for him to be.

2. I did do an artist’s date. I went to an indoor park, and read. I have also had some interesting moments in morning pages – I’ve been working closely with Eros and Athena, and there have been some talking back incidents. I’m trying to do more to clear my mind and listen, which is really hard to do with the vast amount of drama sent my way lately. They seem to have strong opinions about it, including that my actual contribution to the drama directed to me is minimal. It makes me feel better, though it frustrates me in that most of what’s going on is invisible to me so I don’t know what helps or what doesn’t.

3. Lots of synchronicity with Paganicon. I’m planning a short trip to New Orleans, and I was going to skip the convention and just go, but decided not to. As it turns out, by going, I found out about an affordable, pagan-run bed and breakfast in the French Quarter. I also felt better about my connection to humanity. I mean, I expect my religious community to drive me nuts  – it’s like family, but in my case, much preferable. They even do things like my family never does, like say things like, “Oh, your ideas are different? OK, we won’t conclude this in agreement, but let’s see how we can understand each other better.”

4.  Major points of my development: my trust meter is very, very low right now. VERY low. It’s a setback. I had a friendship ended in the past two weeks, and rather than one of those where it’s obvious what incident broke it, it was one of those where all the complaints and accusations towards me have happened behind closed doors without my participation or consent. There is a laundry list of sins placed at my feet, but I can’t see them, and when requested, the people accusing me refuse to present actual, concrete incidents – and worse, are telling people that I have “made threats” and that my presence in my home causes them to feel threatened in their home. I would never disrupt another person’s living space; having been magically and physically assaulted in my own home in the past it’s just not something I would ever dream of doing to another person.

Clearly, this is a setback, and my trust has very much been violated as I had faith that these people cared enough about me and appreciated the relationships we had built enough to try to preserve them. Once again, this was not true, and it has left me distrustful of everyone. Combine this with the whole morning pages/no privacy thing, and it’s understandable how Mike thought my request to go to New Orleans was for an indefinite period, rather than the 4 days I actually want.

Again, when this crap keeps happening repeatedly and no matter how I ask, I’m not being given the tools to recognize this pattern in combustible friendships or how to avoid/fix it, I’m also struggling to trust my divinities. If this is karma, I need to know why I’m being punished. If this is about the other people, I need a way to know that incontrovertibly. If this is a “you’re a teacher, and this is how you know it’s the end of the road,” well, that sucks and I need to be provided for much better on an emotional level. No teacher can survive on dedication alone. I need friends too, damn it.