10 Traumas, great and small

If I let myself admit it, I feel traumatized that…

  1. people at my father’s funeral were completely unaware he had a second daughter.
  2. that Alice and Kris both staged temper tantrums during my first wedding; in fact, I suspect their behavior is what cursed the marriage.
  3. that my ex admitted he didn’t trust me until we’d been married for awhile – meaning that he married me without trusting me.
  4. that in the end, I obviously meant so little to S -.
  5. that Brie at the WF job actively looked for an excuse to fire me from day 1.
  6. that Lionboy seriously wanted to control whether I spokeĀ  in public and what I was allowed to say.
  7. by the way I was treated at the VRC; I think their demands seriously outpaced anything realistic, and I was asked to do things others could not because they knew they themselves were unable.
  8. by my husband reading my journal. It’s left me with a sense I have no safe place. Especially since he continues to react to what he read.
  9. by my ex harassing me yearly for money. He did help me out, and there is the car. But he also kept ALL the original furniture, most of the kitchen equipment and a good chunk of my dignity. I told him at the time he helped I might not be able to pay him back, and he accepted it until I got serious with my current husband.
  10. that doctor in Mankato telling me I had asthma because I am fat – which, as it turns out, is not even remotely related.
  11. by C – smacking me in the crotch with a tree branch when I was walking home and minding my own business. BH just stood there, smirking and saying nothing, the little slimeball.
  12. by RH trying to grab my ass every time I biked through his neighborhood. It got so he’d lay in wait for me, which was absurd.
  13. by MW loudly commenting on how my fat body would look in a Playboy centerfold. He never apologized, and he owes me one for that.
  14. by the spectacularly shitty way AS broke up with me, both times. The first time I was walking dead for two days after.
  15. by that Thanksgiving dinner I basically had to serve while I had mono. My family’s selfishness and my grandmother’s complicity in my abuse horrify me to this day.
  16. by every time my mother or father would get me in a moving car and then start screaming at me, leaving me trapped with their anger and aware I had no control over the situation at all – which is exactly what they intended when they did it.
  17. by the lady who called me at Q – and told me to “do a better job next time,” when I simply wanted to make sure her service worked. I really wanted to take her number and order 500 pizzas in her name.
  18. by the weirdo who felt the need to pull up his van and yell “fat ass,” at me as I walked home from work. It was, mainly, creepy as hell. I didn’t even care about his opinion of my body.
  19. by my parents’ refusal to even address BL’s shitty behavior at my grandfather’s funeral. They were too busy letting the family target me as the “crazy” one for having a sane reaction to his atrocious and dishonorable actions.
  20. by that shithead who saw me in the diner at CP, got a malicious smile and immediately whipped out his cell phone.