Today’s struggle

This morning brought a flurry of communications from different areas. All transformative, positive, concerned, useful. Things all that merit a follow-up. But instead, I fixate on the old thing, the suddenly non-communicative friend. The only negative in my immediate present, even though I do not know whether it is indeed negative because of the non-communication. My friend could simply want to spend time with his multitude of other friends; it’s nothing bad, just a taste for a different flavor. My brain rejects this, instead flailing into paranoia. Did I say too much about his ex? I tried not to, but couldn’t help myself. Was this over something I did or said last week? How? We haven’t really spoken in that long. I realize that even the best of friends come and go and that I am a bit fevered about further loss after the events of last year – I often feel like my friends tend to go at a much higher traffic rate than normal, if I knew what on earth normal is for this kind of thing.

I hate that I do this. I fixate. I find the one negative thing, even if it’s really minor, and fret. I have turned things that would have been just fine into huge negative disasters just because I fret, and get worked up and from there take the stairwell up to defensive territory. So for now, I’m putting my worry in my God jar, and I’ll burn out the layers on the Equinox, outside on my balcony, and hope the situation has sorted itself out by then. I’m going to do that Starhawk spell to balance emotions and burn a candle with “Let Go” carved into the side with a butter knife.

Certainly I am not perfect, but that doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with me.

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