Every so often, I got stuck. This is kind of what happened this past month. I’ve just been feeling overwhelmed, depressed, and stressed out in general. Parts of my life typically routine seem too much for me lately, although to my credit – and with work – I’ve managed to stay connected to my friends instead of withdrawing from them. I have a lot going on in my life, and I’m working myself into a lather over my wedding which is supposed to be light, fun, and all about Mike and me. Of course, the only way to guarantee that is to elope – and Mike has insisted we don’t do that, because it’s his first wedding, he doesn’t know better, and while he’s seen the masks slip a little he still doesn’t know exactly how bad my family is when it comes to me. (Seriously, there is not a single moment in my life that was supposed to be about me that they didn’t ruin. It’s like they don’t know when to shut up. Which is weird, because I have seen them do exactly that for each other.)
Still, I am forging on in my writing. I’ve still only presented one or two pieces to my writing workshop and I’ve missed the last month – it’s been one thing after another. Engagement party (fun), laptop broke (no fun), general avoidance during Mercury Retorgrade (policy.) But I’m into Chapter Two on Urban Wicca, and I’ve been getting nigglings to try my hand at writing fiction – and that’s where I’m really blocked. Graduate school left me convinced I can’t write fiction, as did the other fiction writers in the class with me. I don’t want to write what I know (my mother’s crappy, mean-spirited advice when I was 8.) And I don’t have to. Fuck ’em. I can make it up if I want!
I’m also struggling with a “credit where credit’s due” issue – things like putting in ten hours on a volunteer project at personal expense, only to have a blog writeup completely skip linking to me despite my work, and some frankly ungracious behavior I encountered in the course of assembling the project. I realize some of this may simply be ignorance, but it’s not like the information wasn’t easily accessible – so it’s probably laziness but could be malice. I’m still a bit miffed about that, and soothing my wounded sensitive artist’s ego over it.
I’m also looking for places to streamline my life. I’m poking (with a stick) at the idea of combining my writing blog with my perfumery blog – condensed audiences, yay, maybe. Or possibly confused and annoyed audiences. I’m just looking for a way to do one less thing so I can apply my mental energy to other things.
I have a feeling that if I hadn’t completed Finding Water I’d be struggling a lot more with Vein of Gold. But I’m sticking with it, even if I occasionally fall off. And I do my morning pages almost daily, and they reveal quite clearly whether I need to apply flower therapies to myself.
I’ve encountered lots of angry, hostile, bitter people in the course of my day lately – I’m assuming it’s the result of almost ten days with no direct sunlight, and I’m hoping we all improve – SOON.