When you want to quit or just not do it

is the time you should do the morning pages the most. I got up at 10 am today – not so much a failure as I’m still learning how to get up at 630, and I had had to take prednisone for the first time in a year. (I have a chronic illness that causes me to get hives in dangerous places, this time, on my tongue.) I decided to peek at my computer before doing my pages and I was greeted with the news that my father, who was recently hospitalized for anemia and who has had heart problems over the past decade, was just diagnosed with what is commonly called pre-leukemia.

Guiding Angel - Tiffany Glass & Decorating Company, c. 1890.JPG

I cried for about two hours while contacting my sister and researching whether his drugs would be covered. It’s tempting, under stress, to stop doing exactly the things you need to do most. “I would meditate/bake/do my morning pages but I was just too stressed out…” I’ve had these reminders before, but today it was a powerful one – because it took me until 1 pm, and while the benefits may not be as direct as Ms. Cameron would prefer from right after you get up…they still helped. Your consciousness has a stream all day, not just when you get up, after all.

It was the reset I needed. Damaging my health further won’t help Dad. Yes, I’m adjusting my plans to comfort myself – I am a sensitive being, like all artists, I need true comfort, not socially accepted self-destruction. So I’m baking cookies and reading the next chapter of Finding Water, and putting together a great big healing spell for Daddy because that’s what I do and who I am, and what I need to do to comfort myself with the belief I’ve truly done everything I can.

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1 thought on “When you want to quit or just not do it”

  1. I write only to offer sympathy and support and to validate what you already know: those times when stress and life in general is overwhelming are exactly when we need to take care of ourselves the most.

    Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you or your family.

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