The qualities of my creativity God:
sky encircled by trees - a shot I took at Father Hennepin Park
Far Side cartoon by the awesome Gary Larson
My childhood God was one I had a running conversation with. Someone told me God heard everything, I took them at their word, and by eight years old I was walking to school and filling God in on my opinion about the way he was running things.
I did not always approve. Once I grasped the concept of injustice – and I did at a startlingly young age, I couldn’t have been more than 9 – I even expressed hatred of God for allowing all this crap to go on. God did talk back; these have never been one way conversations. And while I’m still not totally satisfied with the explanation and if I were still Christian it would be as heretical as the conversations themselves, it is an explanation that rings true to me.
The basics is that the world is a work in progress and it’s supposed to be a cooperative model. A lot of humans just aren’t picking up their part on the co-creative process, because their man-made religions convince them to leave it all to God, who will get it right because according to those religions, they’re too flawed and incompetent to take any part in creation. From what I gather, God wants to be fallible, that’s how he can find ways to make things better. Perfect systems just don’t work. They’re frozen – that’s how they stay perfect. Dynamic systems, however, do, and take on a life of their own.
Most of my information about God came through my mother. I found her early on to be a suspect source, and while when I was young I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time, I realize now I was recognizing that she was being inconsistent and at times outright hypocritical. The God I conversed with was not an overtly political God – he just wanted people to be better. All the old testament stuff about being gay or practicing witchcraft or eating bacon was irrelevant to the God I talked to and that talked back. That was minor shit that had nada to do with the Big Picture.
Still, I got into college thinking of God as some distant bearded dude in the sky saying in a booming voice, “Dont look at me!” (or “Ignore me!” a la the Venture Brothers.) I still do some things out of moral belief that make my life more difficult. I find myself wishing at times I were less honest, or willing to steal, or even have the ability to be insincere and do things like show up at events just to show off for/ fake a face I don’t have to my future in-laws. It’s not that God is watching or that God would say something to me (and God would) – it’s that so many people don’t take their part in the dynamic system God created, I feel its my job to uphold those morals and follow through on the difficulties they create so that at least my strands of the system work properly.
Church God was never really my God. I went to church, I committed to the social structure of it as a child and teenager – but the only pastor I met who would have even had a two-way talk with God was the interim pastor. And two-way talks with God in that church were the sort of thing to get you medicated. Even so, even when I was a brat and prayed for things I regret (like knowing everything, that was a poor decision and God seems set to deliver throughout the course of my life so my little head doesn’t explode) - I wouldn’t trade my interactive God experience for anything. Few things are as awesome as feeling God laugh with you – it’s like being surrounded by a chuckling hug, especially when you know God’s laughing at something irreverent.
image by WhiskeyGoneBad on flickr
Times I’ve been used as a creative battery (where my talents were co-opted for someone else’s goal, usually without me being given credit):
1. At the VRC, several occasions where I came up with training methods and innovations that went ignored – but then got used.
2. Writing Candy James’s short story for her in elementary school – she got an A.
3. Many times where I had to help with a “group” project and wound up doing all the work in college. My first media class, case in point.
4. Putting in support time and kindness to people who in return belittled my partner and my lifestyle.
5. Frequent reading of other manuscripts by other writers who never returned the favor on feedback.
6. Similar to above with beta readers, and no acknowledgment of the help given.
7. The bratty kids at the ISO, who would thank the “ISO people” but never acknowledged that my partner and I were frequently up past midnight and up at 6 am to make their events happen, while also struggling to maintain GPAs and outside jobs.
8. Attempts at furthering fund development at the radio station were actively suppressed when it was obvious we needed the money.
9. Frequent situations where I had to listen to narcisstic soliloquies that trampled over my feelings – and where the same person was not willing to lend me an ear.
10. Helping my snotty neighbor out with basketball, and her snide “you’re an assistant” behavior instead of saying “thank you.”
On the other hand, this is my shadow resume:
1. Assisted in improving the grades and recognition of many people.
2. Served as a venting board and often reintroduced common sense into the human system.
3. Organized spoiled, difficult and overprivileged children from multiple nationalities successfully and in such a way that they thought they were doing it themselves of their own accord.
4. Repeated acts of charity.
5. Repeatedly saving the world from damn near unreadable fanfiction.
6. Having enough vision to consider the possibility of growth despite a discouragement of initiative.
7. Consistent generosity of spirit.
8. Creative problem-solver, definitely outside the box.
9. Good listener.
10. My work has brought about results for others that have benefited them with financial remuneration and recognition.
I’m good.
This is to be a list of 100 accomplishments/victories I’ve ever achieved. Small, large, what have you. I hope I’m able to recognize that many. This is really a hard exercise – I feel very much under-accomplished for someone my age, and I keep diverting into memories of bad clarinet reeds squeaking at contests and finking out under pressure at the last minute. I’m just not a person who enjoys high pressure, and I’m always running into issues where that’s the kind of situation people want me for for some poorly-reasoned reason. I’m also looking this over and recognizing that in several places, I’ve received jack recognition for what I’ve accomplished – the world is full of jealously blocked people, I guess. And I don’t toot my own horn that much, which is probably a disadvantage.
1. Graduating college with my B.S.
2. Standing up to the Snob Squad senior year – in front of the entire class.
3. Managing to have a relationship with my first love, despite family obstacles.
4. Introducing Pagan Pride to what is possible with goodwill and organization.
5. Making South Asia Night happen within twelve days of getting the job back in grad school.
6. Having South Asia Night go off without any storming of the stage or mini-international incidents.
7. Introducing organization and planning to that job, too.
8. Getting in to grad school. I downplay it, but it actually was harder than you’d think for not having a GRE requirement.
9. Turning my old pagan website into a worthwhile resource, especially since it started out as a big messy plagiarism issue.
10. National Honor Society
11. Getting into that whole Tomorrow’s Leader’s finalist thing in high school.
12. Finishing that Picture Book of Spells last year.
13. Sustaining my perfumery this long. (Yay!)
14. Finding a job as quickly as I did when I moved to Minneapolis.
15. Placing first in the all-around team at Quiz Bowl in the 8th grade.
16. Placing first in the Indiana History contest in fourth grade.
17. Many firsts at ISCA music contests; they’d mean more if I actually enjoyed them. Helicopter parents for the lose.
18. Medals for scoring high in some weird English standardized test.
19. Got into the Indiana Children’s Writer’s workshop. (Was forced to go to stupid music contest instead. Blame VERY short-sighted parents.)
20. Straight A’s my last semester of senior year.
21. A complete one-act play my senior year – and an opportunity to produce it. I chickened out, unfortunately.
22. Fessler writer’s scholarship at Lakeland.
23. Also, Kuehn honor’s scholarship at Lakeland.
24. Polish Women’s alliance scholarship at Mankato.
25. That weird speech scholarship that got split between me and the ass-kissing snotty girl.
26. Coming in second on several things, one or two of which I’m pretty sure I was supposed to be first on and the first place cheated.
27. Not really to me, but in the eyes of those I grew up with: having boyfriends, on a semi-regular basis.
28. Helping S.T find some self-worth. Now that is an accomplishment that mattered to me.
29. Exceeding the fundraising goal when I worked at KMSU as assistant development director.
30. Raising a significant amount of money for MSUPagan with tarot readings during its first full year.
31. Starting a business in the first place.
32. Actually finding the nerve to submit stories to publications in high school.
33. Placing 2nd chair my freshman year of college.
34. Having a hand in bringing a college newspaper from a joke to an award-winning publication.
35. Picking up desktop publishing super quickly.
36. Finding the keys and tools necessary to get Pagans to happily adhere to deadlines.
37. Making the Doctor Who meetup local a really popular event.
38. Making friends in Minnesota. Possibly the hardest thing to do in the US.
39. Extracting myself from a series of consuming and negative relationships.
40. Finding that girl for my ex.
41. Getting to Mankato and surviving.
42. Creating a life for myself, with no support from family or friends.
43. Starting over a few times in life.
44. The bumper stickers. The lack of payment for them still sucks.
45. Publishing annually since 2000.
46. Publication in several small/niche magazines and newspapers.
47. Fat Chic – it’s modestly successful and the audience has more people in it every year.
48. That program that had sixth graders take the SAT.
49. Inclusion in the Gifted/Talented program in elementary school.
50. Citizen of the year for my music class in fifth grade.
51. Good citizen in elementary school – I think I got it twice. It was a BFD to the kids even though we had no clue what it was about.
52. Slow dancing with the star quarterback in front of everyone – and having no idea who the hell he was until after I’d shot him down for a date. Oblivious and genuine for the win?
53. Making sure the dean of academics at Lakeland knew he was one of the major reasons I was leaving.
54. Overcoming my stereotyping of jocks thanks to P.C.
55. Overcoming the homophobia I was raised for thanks to the LGBC and good friends in Mankato.
56. Oustanding Upperclassman award at Mankato.
57. Honors classes at Lakeland.
58. Some award in Daria fanfiction for my Trent vignettes.
59. Sticking up for the Dian kids (people I babysat for) when a local bully plus bully parent tried to shove in. I think I called the cops; I’m not sure I remember the whole deal, but I did at last put an end to it.
60. Finishing that first long short story between 8th grade and freshman year.
61. Getting that horrible restaurant job.
62. Quitting that horrible restaurant job for a lower-paying but more peaceful library job.
63. Handling the African-American girl there just fine – I just thought she was funny where every other white person on staff thought she was threatening. I may well have been the only other person on staff equipped with a sense of humor.
64. Organizing the first Pagan Pride at MSU.
65. That TV spot I did for MSUPagan.
66. Standing up to the producer over the TV spot – and getting the clips of the Craft movie removed.
67. Letters to the editor as a teenager. I suspect I introduced the phrase “quick fix” into US lexicon as a result. (I know I used it before TV pundits did.)
68. Finishing my senior year of college with a 4.0.
69. Maintaining a 4.0 in grad school.
70. Working at the battered women’s shelter.
71. Becoming a mandated reporter.
72. Walking. I had an obstacle – my sister. She liked to push me down when she saw me starting to walk. Then I learned to bite her. She still tries it from time to time. I still bite her every time.
73. The extremely unfortunate way I was key in my high school finally having a sexual harassment policy.
74. Placing among finalists in impromptu speech.
75. Placing first in broadcasting at the Chesterton speech meet.
76. Going to sectionals in broadcasting.
77. Placing at a speech meet at all given our truly lousy and narcissistic coach.
78. Receiving praise from mass comm professors for standing out as an actual writer among the majors.
79. My senior project on cults for my mass comm degree.
80. My other senior project on interfaith communication, that eventually won me a friend.
81. The branding that I made happen with my old guild.
82. The successful trunk show in New York.
83. Johndel and Chelo. (Yenta)
84. Bunny and James. (Assistant Yenta.)
85. Regularly outselling the manager in reader’s advantage cards when I worked for B. Dalton – even though I only worked one day a week.
86. Increasing sales in the New Age section there, and turning it in to a location worthy of note – even better than the Barnes and Noble across the lot.
87. Getting the ISO job.
88. Making that job work amidst ALL the cultural conflicts.
89. Getting herbs to grow from seed indoors – and flourish.
90. Actually helping people with my herbal background.
91. Being invited to speak at the Internet Pagan Conference.
92. Consistently giving interviews on Paganism and witchcraft that did NOT get misquoted.
93. Paying off my first student loan.
94. Getting out of credit card debt.
95. Maintaining friendships with positive and supportive people from years past.
96. Avoiding all business debt.
97. The phone call from Bruce Campbell’s agent.
98. Learning enough technology to get around.
99. Every encouraging note I’ve ever gotten from an editor.
100. Every time I’ve surprised someone, especially when I lived in Indiana.
This is actually a really difficult exercise. I had to reach, and I’m pretty sure I skated on a few of these.
pic by magickalrealism - from the downtown library book sale
In this exercise, I need to take a look at five times I have allowed someone else to determine my creative worth. It can be positive OR negative. I like to think I’m pretty good at being self-sufficient, but I think I’m deceiving myself on that one.
1. Twittergrader. I was a little too proud of being in the top 50 for Minneapolis for as long as I was – and that popularity can be a very false popularity. I was crushed when I fell off the list. Yes, some folks appreciate my wit, but not every Tweet is gold.
2. Fan fiction feedback. While I can’t say I’ve ever truly played to the audience, the entire core of writing fan fiction is audience response. And it does bother me that my fics get such a low rate of response. Sad, but true.
3. Etsy. I know I get overlooked in a lot of situations, and I end up in situations where my work is judged by people I don’t respect. It’s business, and promotion, and it just reminds me that I’m going to be on my own in drawing people to me that genuinely value what I do.
4. Pagan Pride. People thought I was just great as a volunteer coordinator, but made no effort whatsoever to apply my very simple methods of organization – yes, I got results, but if people didn’t try at least some of my methods to sustain those results, how much was my work really valued? How much of an impact did I really make if I couldn’t get people to put aside their old politics for a new set of politics geared towards harmony?
5. Every time I’ve submitted a piece for publication ever. I’ve only recently discovered that yes, I can assert myself with editors over changes. I have just as much practice looking over work with a critical eye, including my own, and that I have a good sense of what will strengthen or weaken a piece. Individual pieces that are strong are more saleable and important than sticking to a magazine’s given theme. I may someday start a magazine, but that’s another project for another time.
10 people/situations/comments that get in the way of my creative progress and what I can do to remedy that.
1. People calling me and disrupting my work, especially when they know I work at specific hours and times.
Stop answering the phone. Repeat when I see them and they ask about my non-phone-answering: “I was working.”
2. Inquiries as to whether I’ve published a book, and dismissive/rude responses when I say that I’ve only published articles to date.
“So tell me about your work. What have you completed?” (Catty, but often revealing.)
3. “You’re too young to write theological/philosophical messages.”
Look at it differently – if I’m young and I’m hitting those buttons, I’m on to something. Also, see above for snotty/frustrated/lazy writer syndrome.
4. “Is this perfume an imitation of [insert name of whatever perfume I've never heard before]?”
Repeat that I don’t to imitations. And keep right on creating what I’m creating.
5. Wrinkled nose. “I don’t like it!”
Say, calmly, “I’m sure you’ll find somewhere an artist that offers something you do like.”
6. “These are SO expensive!” (One woman at my craft show who kept loudly announcing my prices to me in hopes she could bully me into lowering them.)
“I’m very fortunate in that my customer base truly values my work.”
7. “This should be VERY SIMPLE for you to do!”
“It’s kind of cool that I make this look easy! If only that were so!”
8. People assuming I have plenty of free time.
“Please email me and let me check against my schedule.” Somehow repeating that I use a calendar (and I do) is magic for altering that perception.
9. “You made this, this and this mistake. You need to do this to make this better.”
“I was sharing, not requesting a grade. But I will keep you in mind for situations where I do need feedback.”
10. “You don’t deserve _____!”
“That’s for someone besides you to decide.”
For those just tuning in, I address a good chunk of my prayers to Eros as my revealed designator of Good Orderly Direction (G.O.D.)
Prayer to Eros:
Divine eternal source of Creative Love,
I lay before you my sins and self-doubts, self-loathings and fears. Free me from the grasp of self-pity, and lead me not into the soothing temptation of martyrdom. Ever remind me that the fears and angers of others are not my own, and not mine to own. Allow me the inner freedom to nurture my creation as I would any child, to put it first, to bring it to completion and to have a balanced, healthy, happy, wholesome life where I may share my love and yours, and blow upon and ignite the gentle sparks of others to full creative flame.
In your Creative Light, may I shine.
Some of Cameron’s tasks make me smile, because I already do them. One of those is that I’m part of the decluttering movement – so her recommendation I go through and physically clean out this or that is something I do routinely. Before I read the assignment, I had already decided to clean up my office, which had gone wild with stacks of boxes and leftover bits of paper from various studio projects. I have 1000 feet of space to work with (probably less) in my apartment, at best mediocre storage, and my studio is shared office space with my fiancee. I’m very conscious I want that space to be space. It makes my life easier when I can just click on the TV and start working out, having to move around as little as possible. It’s also nice when we want to run the Roomba, have people over or simply wander through the apartment in the middle of the night. My next declutter rotation is the annual closet evaluation – this time, with labelmaker!
As to my “box of sins” wherein you write out a list of your negative habits and toss it into the shoebox, two came up beyond under-exercise and junk food that I’ve avoided looking at closely that definitely merit examination:
1. Overhelping
I try to hard to help some people, often doing far more for them than I should. This tends to blow up in my face, as not only am I barely thanked for the help given, I usually end up with my personal resources drained. I’ve been improving, and with my fiancee’s encouragement using the phrase “quid pro quo” and certainly I have partners and believing mirrors who certainly hold up their own end. Clearly I desire recognition that I’m not getting – and this technique sure as hell isn’t the way to get it.
2. Skipping steps in self-care
Not only do I under-exercise, I’m also not giving myself my weekly facial, or meditating, or stopping to cook proper meals. I am taking a weekly yoga class which is not nearly enough for exercise (and is a pain to get to because of bus system issues) but even with efforts made to cook ahead (boiling eggs and rice ahead, pre-mixing smoothies, etc.) I’m just not always doing what I should do to ensure my health. I feel like I’ve got too much to do, so I’m cutting myself out of my self-determined schedule. I’m doing this partly because my perfume business has fallen behind, but also, it’s something askew in my own perception.
this is from an artist's date I went on about "Precious Objects"
i plant the seeds
xiane
magickalrealism
miscellanea
