Kingdom of Relationship: Counting Coup

This is to be a list of 100 accomplishments/victories I’ve ever achieved. Small, large, what have you. I hope I’m able to recognize that many. This is really a hard exercise – I feel very much under-accomplished for someone my age, and I keep diverting into memories of bad clarinet reeds squeaking at contests and finking out under pressure at the last minute. I’m just not a person who enjoys high pressure, and I’m always running into issues where that’s the kind of situation people want me for for some poorly-reasoned reason. I’m also looking this over and recognizing that in several places, I’ve received jack recognition for what I’ve accomplished – the world is full of jealously blocked people, I guess. And I don’t toot my own horn that much, which is probably a disadvantage.

1. Graduating college with my B.S.

2. Standing up to the Snob Squad senior year – in front of the entire class.

3. Managing to have a relationship with my first love, despite family obstacles.

4. Introducing Pagan Pride to what is possible with goodwill and organization.

5. Making South Asia Night happen within twelve days of getting the job back in grad school.

6. Having South Asia Night go off without any storming of the stage or mini-international incidents.

7. Introducing organization and planning to that job, too.

8. Getting in to grad school. I downplay it, but it actually was harder than you’d think for not having a GRE requirement.

9. Turning my old pagan website into a worthwhile resource, especially since it started out as a big messy plagiarism issue.

10. National Honor Society

11. Getting into that whole Tomorrow’s Leader’s finalist thing in high school.

12. Finishing that Picture Book of Spells last year.

13. Sustaining my perfumery this long. (Yay!)

14. Finding a job as quickly as I did when I moved to Minneapolis.

15.  Placing first in the all-around team at Quiz Bowl in the 8th grade.

16. Placing first in the Indiana History contest in fourth grade.

17. Many firsts at ISCA music contests; they’d mean more if I actually enjoyed them. Helicopter parents for the lose.

18. Medals for scoring high in some weird English standardized test.

19. Got into the Indiana Children’s Writer’s workshop. (Was forced to go to stupid music contest instead. Blame VERY short-sighted parents.)

20. Straight A’s my last semester of senior year.

21. A complete one-act play my senior year – and an opportunity to produce it. I chickened out, unfortunately.

22.  Fessler writer’s scholarship at Lakeland.

23. Also, Kuehn honor’s scholarship at Lakeland.

24. Polish Women’s alliance scholarship at Mankato.

25. That weird speech scholarship that got split between me and the ass-kissing snotty girl.

26. Coming in second on several things, one or two of which I’m pretty sure I was supposed to be first on and the first place cheated.

27. Not really to me, but in the eyes of those I grew up with: having boyfriends, on a semi-regular basis.

28. Helping S.T find some self-worth. Now that is an accomplishment that mattered to me.

29. Exceeding the fundraising goal when I worked at KMSU as assistant development director.

30. Raising a significant amount of money for MSUPagan with tarot readings during its first full year.

31. Starting a business in the first place.

32. Actually finding the nerve to submit stories to publications in high school.

33. Placing 2nd chair my freshman year of college.

34. Having a hand in bringing a college newspaper from a joke to an award-winning publication.

35. Picking up desktop publishing super quickly.

36. Finding the keys and tools necessary to get Pagans to happily adhere to deadlines.

37. Making the Doctor Who meetup local a really popular event.

38. Making friends in Minnesota. Possibly the hardest thing to do in the US.

39. Extracting myself from a series of consuming and negative relationships.

40. Finding that girl for my ex.

41. Getting to Mankato and surviving.

42. Creating a life for myself, with no support from family or friends.

43. Starting over a few times in life.

44. The bumper stickers. The lack of payment for them still sucks.

45. Publishing annually since 2000.

46. Publication in several small/niche magazines and newspapers.

47. Fat Chic – it’s modestly successful and the audience has more people in it every year.

48.  That program that had sixth graders take the SAT.

49. Inclusion in the Gifted/Talented program in elementary school.

50. Citizen of the year for my music class in fifth grade.

51. Good citizen in elementary school – I think I got it twice. It was a BFD to the kids even though we had no clue what it was about.

52. Slow dancing with the star quarterback in front of everyone – and having no idea who the hell he was until after I’d shot him down for a date. Oblivious and genuine for the win?

53. Making sure the dean of academics at Lakeland knew he was one of the major reasons I was leaving.

54. Overcoming my stereotyping of jocks thanks to P.C.

55. Overcoming the homophobia I was raised for thanks to the LGBC and good friends in Mankato.

56. Oustanding Upperclassman award at Mankato.

57. Honors classes at Lakeland.

58. Some award in Daria fanfiction for my Trent vignettes.

59. Sticking up for the Dian kids (people I babysat for) when a local bully plus bully parent tried to shove in. I think I called the cops; I’m not sure I remember the whole deal, but I did at last put an end to it.

60.  Finishing that first long short story between 8th grade and freshman year.

61. Getting that horrible restaurant job.

62. Quitting that horrible restaurant job for a lower-paying but more peaceful library job.

63. Handling the African-American girl there just fine – I just thought she was funny where every other white person on staff thought she was threatening. I may well have been the only other person on staff equipped with a sense of humor.

64. Organizing the first Pagan Pride at MSU.

65. That TV spot I did for MSUPagan.

66. Standing up to the producer over the TV spot – and getting the clips of the Craft movie removed.

67. Letters to the editor as a teenager. I suspect I introduced the phrase “quick fix” into US lexicon as a result. (I know I used it before TV pundits did.)

68. Finishing my senior year of college with a 4.0.

69. Maintaining a 4.0 in grad school.

70. Working at the battered women’s shelter.

71. Becoming a mandated reporter.

72. Walking. I had an obstacle – my sister. She liked to push me down when she saw me starting to walk. Then I learned to bite her. She still tries it from time to time. I still bite her every time.

73. The extremely unfortunate way I was key in my high school finally having a sexual harassment policy.

74. Placing among finalists in impromptu speech.

75. Placing first in broadcasting at the Chesterton speech meet.

76. Going to sectionals in broadcasting.

77. Placing at a speech meet at all given our truly lousy and narcissistic coach.

78. Receiving praise from mass comm professors for standing out as an actual writer among the majors.

79. My senior project on cults for my mass comm degree.

80. My other senior project on interfaith communication, that eventually won me a friend.

81. The branding that I made happen with my old guild.

82. The successful trunk show in New York.

83. Johndel and Chelo. (Yenta)

84. Bunny and James. (Assistant Yenta.)

85. Regularly outselling the manager in reader’s advantage cards when I worked for B. Dalton – even though I only worked one day a week.

86. Increasing sales in the New Age section there, and turning it in to a location worthy of note – even better than the Barnes and Noble across the lot.

87. Getting the ISO job.

88. Making that job work amidst ALL the cultural conflicts.

89. Getting herbs to grow from seed indoors – and flourish.

90. Actually helping people with my herbal background.

91. Being invited to speak at the Internet Pagan Conference.

92. Consistently giving interviews on Paganism and witchcraft that did NOT get misquoted.

93. Paying off my first student loan.

94. Getting out of credit card debt.

95. Maintaining friendships with positive and supportive people from years past.

96. Avoiding all business debt.

97. The phone call from Bruce Campbell’s agent.

98. Learning enough technology to get around.

99. Every encouraging note I’ve ever gotten from an editor.

100. Every time I’ve surprised someone, especially when I lived in Indiana.

This is actually a really difficult exercise. I had to reach, and I’m pretty sure I skated on a few of these.

Kingdom of Relationship: Taking back power

pic by magickalrealism - from the downtown library book sale

In this exercise, I need to take a look at five times I have allowed someone else to determine my creative worth. It can be positive OR negative. I like to think I’m pretty good at being self-sufficient, but I think I’m deceiving myself on that one.

1. Twittergrader. I was a little too proud of being in the top 50 for Minneapolis for as long as I was – and that popularity can be a very false popularity. I was crushed when I fell off the list. Yes, some folks appreciate my wit, but not every Tweet is gold.

2. Fan fiction feedback. While I can’t say I’ve ever truly played to the audience, the entire core of writing fan fiction is audience response. And it does bother me that my fics get such a low rate of response. Sad, but true.

3. Etsy. I know I get overlooked in a lot of situations, and I end up in situations where my work is judged by people I don’t respect. It’s business, and promotion, and it just reminds me that I’m going to be on my own in drawing people to me that genuinely value what I do.

4. Pagan Pride. People thought I was just great as a volunteer coordinator, but made no effort whatsoever to apply my very simple methods of organization – yes, I got results, but if people didn’t try at least some of my methods to sustain those results, how much was my work really valued? How much of an impact did I really make if I couldn’t get people to put aside their old politics for a new set of politics geared towards harmony?

5. Every time I’ve submitted a piece for publication ever. I’ve only recently discovered that yes, I can assert myself with editors over changes. I have just as much practice looking over work with a critical eye, including my own, and that I have a good sense of what will strengthen or weaken a piece. Individual pieces that are strong are more saleable and important than sticking to a magazine’s given theme. I may someday start a magazine, but that’s another project for another time.

Kingdom of Relationship: the Blame Game

10 people/situations/comments that get in the way of my creative progress and what I can do to remedy that.

1. People calling me and disrupting my work, especially when they know I work at specific hours and times.
Stop answering the phone. Repeat when I see them and they ask about my non-phone-answering: “I was working.”

2. Inquiries as to whether I’ve published a book, and dismissive/rude responses when I say that I’ve only published articles to date.
“So tell me about your work. What have you completed?” (Catty, but often revealing.)

3. “You’re too young to write theological/philosophical messages.”
Look at it differently – if I’m young and I’m hitting those buttons, I’m on to something. Also, see above for snotty/frustrated/lazy writer syndrome.

4. “Is this perfume an imitation of [insert name of whatever perfume I've never heard before]?”
Repeat that I don’t to imitations. And keep right on creating what I’m creating.

5. Wrinkled nose. “I don’t like it!”
Say, calmly, “I’m sure you’ll find somewhere an artist that offers something you do like.”

6. “These are SO expensive!” (One woman at my craft show who kept loudly announcing my prices to me in hopes she could bully me into lowering them.)
“I’m very fortunate in that my customer base truly values my work.”

7. “This should be VERY SIMPLE for you to do!”
“It’s kind of cool that I make this look easy! If only that were so!”

8. People assuming I have plenty of free time.
“Please email me and let me check against my schedule.” Somehow repeating that I use a calendar (and I do) is magic for altering that perception.

9. “You made this, this and this mistake. You need to do this to make this better.”
“I was sharing, not requesting a grade. But I will keep you in mind for situations where I do need feedback.”

10. “You don’t deserve _____!”
“That’s for someone besides you to decide.”

Kingdom of Relationship: Artist’s Prayer

For those just tuning in, I address a good chunk of my prayers to Eros as my revealed designator of Good Orderly Direction (G.O.D.)

Prayer to Eros:
Divine eternal source of Creative Love,
I lay before you my sins and self-doubts, self-loathings and fears. Free me from the grasp of self-pity, and lead me not into the soothing temptation of martyrdom. Ever remind me that the fears and angers of others are not my own, and not mine to own. Allow me the inner freedom to nurture my creation as I would any child, to put it first, to bring it to completion and to have a balanced, healthy, happy, wholesome life where I may share my love and yours, and blow upon and ignite the gentle sparks of others to full creative flame.

In your Creative Light, may I shine.

Kingdom of Attitude: Getting Current in House and Spirit

Some of Cameron’s tasks make me smile, because I already do them. One of those is that I’m part of the decluttering movement – so her recommendation I go through and physically clean out this or that is something I do routinely. Before I read the assignment, I had already decided to clean up my office, which had gone wild with stacks of boxes and leftover bits of paper from various studio projects. I have 1000 feet of space to work with (probably less) in my apartment, at best mediocre storage, and my studio is shared office space with my fiancee. I’m very conscious I want that space to be space. It makes my life easier when I can just click on the TV and start working out, having to move around as little as possible. It’s also nice when we want to run the Roomba, have people over or simply wander through the apartment in the middle of the night. My next declutter rotation is the annual closet evaluation – this time, with labelmaker!

As to my “box of sins” wherein you write out a list of your negative habits and toss it into the shoebox, two came up beyond under-exercise and junk food that I’ve avoided looking at closely that definitely merit examination:

1. Overhelping
I try to hard to help some people, often doing far more for them than I should. This tends to blow up in my face, as not only am I barely thanked for the help given, I usually end up with my personal resources drained. I’ve been improving, and with my fiancee’s encouragement using the phrase “quid pro quo” and certainly I have partners and believing mirrors who certainly hold up their own end. Clearly I desire recognition that I’m not getting – and this technique sure as hell isn’t the way to get it.

2. Skipping steps in self-care
Not only do I under-exercise, I’m also not giving myself my weekly facial, or meditating, or stopping to cook proper meals. I am taking a weekly yoga class which is not nearly enough for exercise (and is a pain to get to because of bus system issues) but even with efforts made to cook ahead (boiling eggs and rice ahead, pre-mixing smoothies, etc.) I’m just not always doing what I should do to ensure my health. I feel like I’ve got too much to do, so I’m cutting myself out of my self-determined schedule. I’m doing this partly because my perfume business has fallen behind, but also, it’s something askew in my own perception.

Kingdom of Attitude: Getting Current

this is from an artist's date I went on about "Precious Objects"

• If I let myself admit it, I feel pressured.
• If I let myself admit it, I think the wedding will be fine but I want to protect myself from previous crap. My family thinks they’re not accountable for the past, and that’s not only hypocritical, it’s also reasoning popular with criminals on death row.
• If I let myself know it, I suspect some people really are jealous of me and that’s why “oversights” happen. I know, “never attribute to malice…” but that’s dismissive and rude in and of itself. There’s a real problem here with some local attitudes I’m encountering. Not among friends, but among colleagues in the local craft community.
• If I let myself enjoy it, I am really starting to taste some real success by getting my personal message through to people who might not otherwise receive them.

Artist’s Way: Check-in

Every so often, I got stuck. This is kind of what happened this past month. I’ve just been feeling overwhelmed, depressed, and stressed out in general. Parts of my life typically routine seem too much for me lately, although to my credit – and with work – I’ve managed to stay connected to my friends instead of withdrawing from them. I have a lot going on in my life, and I’m working myself into a lather over my wedding which is supposed to be light, fun, and all about Mike and me. Of course, the only way to guarantee that is to elope – and Mike has insisted we don’t do that, because it’s his first wedding, he doesn’t know better, and while he’s seen the masks slip a little he still doesn’t know exactly how bad my family is when it comes to me. (Seriously, there is not a single moment in my life that was supposed to be about me that they didn’t ruin. It’s like they don’t know when to shut up. Which is weird, because I have seen them do exactly that for each other.)

Still, I am forging on in my writing. I’ve still only presented one or two pieces to my writing workshop and I’ve missed the last month – it’s been one thing after another. Engagement party (fun), laptop broke (no fun), general avoidance during Mercury Retorgrade (policy.) But I’m into Chapter Two on Urban Wicca, and I’ve been getting nigglings to try my hand at writing fiction – and that’s where I’m really blocked. Graduate school left me convinced I can’t write fiction, as did the other fiction writers in the class with me. I don’t want to write what I know (my mother’s crappy, mean-spirited advice when I was 8.) And I don’t have to. Fuck ‘em. I can make it up if I want!

I’m also struggling with a “credit where credit’s due” issue – things like putting in ten hours on a volunteer project at personal expense, only to have a blog writeup completely skip linking to me despite my work, and some frankly ungracious behavior I encountered in the course of assembling the project. I realize some of this may simply be ignorance, but it’s not like the information wasn’t easily accessible – so it’s probably laziness but could be malice. I’m still a bit miffed about that, and soothing my wounded sensitive artist’s ego over it.

I’m also looking for places to streamline my life. I’m poking (with a stick) at the idea of combining my writing blog with my perfumery blog – condensed audiences, yay, maybe. Or possibly confused and annoyed audiences. I’m just looking for a way to do one less thing so I can apply my mental energy to other things.

I have a feeling that if I hadn’t completed Finding Water I’d be struggling a lot more with Vein of Gold. But I’m sticking with it, even if I occasionally fall off. And I do my morning pages almost daily, and they reveal quite clearly whether I need to apply flower therapies to myself.

I’ve encountered lots of angry, hostile, bitter people in the course of my day lately – I’m assuming it’s the result of almost ten days with no direct sunlight, and I’m hoping we all improve – SOON.

Kingdom of Containment: It’s been done

I never actually did that paint-and-cookie-cutter exercise, and I’m pretty sure that my method – just slapping down the cookie cutter and filling it with water color – went contrary to instructions. Evidently I was supposed to dip and color, but that just didn’t seem to work. All the same, the metaphor for genre work was there. I also had a mini-adventure buying the cookie cutters at Target: one of the cashiers has that busybody approach you get from women who work at craft stores. When she asked me if I iced my cookies and I told her I bought the cutters for an art project, she quit speaking to me. It’s like her brain broke.

I’m probably going to use these to make bath cookies, now, though it’s a bit late in the season for this particular shape. Still – fun, and oddly therapeutic!

Artist Shout Out: Tatsuya Ishida

If you haven’t read the web comic Sinfest and you start now, prepare to be either offended or vastly amused. A universe that includes the broad range of human – and divine -motivation, it pretty well skewers any and every concept out there. And it does so in a truly hilarious manner. Woven in between these stories of humans interacting directly with their gods are stories of creative process, self-doubt, self destructive behaviors, and finding ways to sidestep it rather than fighting ourselves to rise above it.

While he hasn’t been terribly forthcoming, Tatsuya Ishida did fess up to Publisher’s Weekly that this web comic was where he landed after he made his own mistakes. “I did a real slipshod job on that one. Several pages were so poorly drawn they had to get another guy to redo them entirely…  I was running on fumes creatively, and my days as a comic book artist were winding down.”

Realizing he was burned out on the comic book industry, he took up the creation of Sinfest. While he did not reach syndication like he had initially sought, he instead reached a recent book deal.

This comic has always seemed relevant to my own spiritual and creative ups and downs, whether as an activist, book worm or writer. I’ve been so touched and tickled by his Buddha strips that I’m actually looking for a way to create a small Sinfest Buddha shrine in my home – to hang up in my office where I do most of my writing.

Kingdom of Containment: Creative Mirrors

by Kaptain Kobold on flickr

A list of people who are creative mirrors, i.e. those who are encouraging, positive and supportive on my creative tasks. Since it’s good, I have no problem naming names!

1. Xiane

2. Angelique

3. Cassidy

(my cluster, that was easy!)

4. Anna

5. Brenda

6. Ruth

7. Ericka

8. Trillian

9. Karen

10. Ryan

11. Andrew

12. Mike

Actually, I am blessed with rather a lot of them.

Thank you all!